Only Up From Here

I'm not sure where to start. I'm new to this, and stepping out of my comfort zone. Many, if not most of you, will not care to read this or care to hear what I have to say...but I'm not sure where else to turn. I start seeing a therapist in 2 days. I've never been one to talk much about what I have been through in life, and I'm not sure how it will go talking to a complete stranger about it. So, I figured -- fuck it, I'm going to blog. I find it a little easier being able to type out my issues, rather than physically word them.

I'm 28 years old, I had the perfect life. "Had" being the key word. I have an almost 9 year old boy. I was supposed to marry the man of my dreams in 94 days. We had everything..until I non deliberately threw that away. I had an alright job, not one that I thoroughly enjoyed, but it was easy for my life. "Easy" being as in my kid could walk over there after school if I didn't have daycare for the day. Or if he had a basketball or baseball game, I was allowed to leave. Or taking him to and from practices, or any other event he attended, I was able to bring him. You don't find a lot of jobs in this day and age that will let you do that. But being in a small town working for a small business, it was easy. I took everything I had in my life for granted. I didn't think about any consequences I could have due to my actions..until I got caught.

Money DOES NOT buy happiness. I mean yeah, there's a lot of people who are happier when they have more money. But in all reality, there is so much more to life than having money. Take it from me. I had everything I ever could've dreamed of in life, and before I knew it my whole world came crashing down around me. I ruined my life, my fiancé's life, my child's life..and broke so many hearts around us. Our family, our friends. What I did, it's not who I am. It terrifies me just thinking about the person I became while making those horrible decisions I did. It has been eating me alive, killing me slowly each day that goes on. I'm not sure how to live my life now going forward -- and I'm not sure how I will ever be able to forgive myself; for what I've done to my loved ones especially. I feel as if the whole world hates me now, as I'm sure many probably do. And that is okay. I made terrible choices so I don't blame anybody. I did this. I wasn't put on this earth to please everyone. But I am here to try to make things right again. I know nothing in my life will ever go back to being the same again -- something I am still trying to accept. This will be a long, tough road ahead for me. I wish I never did what I did. I pray to God every day and every night to just wake me up from this nightmare from Hell. I want my old life back. But what's done is done. Going forward I have to learn how to live life all over again.

I have had so many people reach out to me, checking to make sure I am okay. But the truth is, I'm not sure I will ever be "okay" again. For those that do check in on me -- THANK YOU. There will always be people that talk shit, and that's alright. I've learned to deal with that, and accept it. Those that do -- they don't matter to me. I've lost "friends" over what I've done, but were they ever really my friends? You really find out who is there for you in life when you are going through shit, and you really find out who is not there.

There will be many that are going to judge me - and many that already are. Fuck, I'm even judging myself. I don't like who I am anymore. But anyways, feel free to follow along on this journey with me, or don't. This is something I need to do for myself.

Til Next Time - AR