Lost

Been a few days since I've wrote. Been a little busy and maybe a bit of writers block. I haven't really known what to say lately, I often find myself staring off into space without a thought. I am at a loss. I don't know what to do anymore. I don't really know who to turn to. Everyone gives the same advice. And honestly I'm tired of talking about the same things over and over again. I don't know what I should be doing with my life right now, or where I should be. My whole life I have always had this little fear in the back of my mind, wondering if I'm ever doing the right thing. That turned into a constant fear in my mind. It never goes away. I'm so worried that any decision I make in my life going forward will be the wrong one. Going forward I just pray I make the right ones..if not for me but for my kid, and my loved ones. I'm tired of hurting people, I'm tired of hurting myself.

With wedding season upon us..I've really been struggling. One of my best friends gets married in 4 days. I was supposed to be in it, but made the decision not to be, I think mainly for the better of them, not having me be a distraction on their big day, but also to refrain myself from the uttermost humility that I've dealt with these past 2 months. It kills me, knowing I won't be up there by her on the most special day of her life. I've never been so happy for her. I hate to even think about it. Knowing what I've done..makes me sick to my stomach. Especially knowing that my own wedding will never happen. Aside from giving birth to Kayce, that was going to be the best day of my life. I've ruined everything. I was supposed to get married, live the perfect life with the perfect man, raise a family. I have ruined everything I have ever dreamed of since the day I fell in love with him. I ruined it not only for myself, but for him as well. And for Kayce. He was so excited to officially have a step dad..and hopefully soon have more siblings. I have set all 3 of our lives back so far. Sitting here thinking, and knowing that I will never have that now, makes me die inside so much more. I hate that I did this. I hate myself so much. Why did I do this?? Why did I jeopardize my entire life? Maybe it's because I wasn't in the right state of mind. Maybe it's because my whole life I have never thought I was worthy of anything good in my life. I will never know the answer to those questions, because I honestly do not know why I have done the things I did. All I know now, is that I can't change what I did. I'm trying to learn how to live life all over again, only in a completely different way that I've ever known. I am now a loner, an outcast. About a week ago I was told "every time someone looks at you now, that is all they will think about, is what you did" -- that hit me hard, because it's the truth. Nobody will ever look at me the same. Even though I am still the same person I was before. There's other weddings that I was looking forward to this year, that I'm sure I won't be able to attend anymore either. There's other weddings that I was supposed to be in, and I'm sure I won't be in them, or another ever. I feel as if nobody will ever act the same towards me. Or treat me like they did before. I've said it so many times, but I have nobody to blame but myself. I guess I have to lay in the bed that I made. The messiest bed. The most hated bed. Most uncomfortable bed.

I think I'm done for the night. I sit here and write a couple sentences, then wipe my tears. Over and over again. At least one good thing about making mistakes, is that I never make the same one more than once. One plus side for life, right?

I'm just really lost right now.

Til Next Time - AR